Ride The Tiger

No, I’m not in a particularly angry mood right now, I’m actually fizzy, fuzzy, and fine, though without carbonation and hairiness. I hate some things just like everyone else. Sometimes I have perfectly good and logical reasons behind why I do, other times I probably sound like a total crackhead. So here is my list of 5 things I hate, along with how to get over or around them.

1. Girls With No Girl-Friends
“I just get along better with guys.” Sweetie, that’s because you’re a slut. Unless the girl is a butch lesbian or a balls to the wall tomboy with a baseball bat over her shoulder, she’s up to no good. It’s not that a girl can’t be good friends with guys, lord knows I have a ton of great guy friends myself, but she should have at least a couple close gal pals.

If you can’t tell this is a red flag, I can’t help you.

Solution: Is your boyfriend friends with a girl who fits the warning? Talk to him about it and voice your concerns. Let him know that you do trust him, but she just makes you uncomfortable. If he’s any sort of a decent guy he’ll understand.Never talk to her about it. If you confront her it will only make your relationship seem weak and easily breakable, the perfect motive for her to strike.

2. Clear Beverages That Aren’t Water
I hate invisible Kool-Aid. That shit is the most annoying drink under the sun. I tried it out once when it first came out, and yeah, the flavor was nice and sugary and fruity and refreshing, but you know what happens when you leave your glass unattended for 10 minutes or so? In this case, it isn’t roofies (at least, I hope that wasn’t your clear Kool-Aid experience). You forget about it. You pick up your glass, totally psyched for some truly refreshing water, and WA-BAM! it’s a sugar rush. As your spitting and choking and cursing the gods of Kool-Aid, you swear to never let this trickster into your refrigerator again.

Capri Sun is still cool. Thank you for containing your clearness inside a shiny silver pouch (:

Solution: It’s really simple. Don’t drink it. Guess what? They make regular colored kiwi-watermelon Kool-Aid. Never, ever trust clear flavored beverages. Even Sprite can be tricky, and that’s carbonated.

3. Music/Book/Movie/etc. Snobs (Especially When They Have No Idea What They’re Talking About) (a.k.a. ‘Hipsters’)
I get it, you’re so indie it hurts. That screened tee your wearing advertising that band you loved way before anyone ever heard of them is so cool, and you must be interesting because you watch obscure films with subtitles that win awards at European festivals whose names we can’t pronounce. You wouldn’t touch anything considered less than ‘refined’ with a ten-foot pole and look down on those with the dirty Jay-Z* pleasure and who can’t help but bust up laughing over The Hangover*. And that is why everyone hates you.

Katy Perry understands.

Solution: Don’t be intimidated by these folks. By being so ‘unique’ they’ve made up an entire sub-culture of people who are very much the same. Don’t be ashamed because you like Lady Gaga* or Drake, and guess what, Hot Rod* was fucking hilarious. How cool are hipsters when all is said and done? Answer: Not very. The real solution to the Anti-Hipster equation: Call them out on their bullshit, they’ll throw on their Ray Bans* and run away crying. That means you won.

4. Blonde Hair On Tan People
That’s pretty self-explanatory, and if you don’t know why it’s terrible you’re probably one of those people who don’t have to use sunscreen and need to touch up their roots once a week. You know who you are…
(Also, unless you have amazing bone structure, don’t go blonde, much less platinum blonde, if you have dark eyebrows*. You will look like a fool.)

But then again, being classy has never been a top priority for her…

Solution: First, don’t do it, simple as that. Second, help friends of yours who have done it. Be honest, tell them it looks like shit, and go with them to pick up a box of hair dye to cover up that monstrosity.

5. Whiny Blogs
I don’t come to the internet to listen to people’s problems. I don’t google ‘sappy emo ranting about life.’ You know why? Because I don’t give a fuck. And guess what? Neither does any one else. If you’re going through a rough time, talk to a friend or a family member. If the going is tough because you don’t have friends or family, write to Dear Abby or go meet people like a normal person. If you want to kill yourself, find a therapist. The internet is not your friend, always remember that.

I wonder if he’s ever seen this.

Solution: If your friends are guilty of this blogging no-no, comment one of their posts saying “Hey, don’t you think this is a little too personal to add to the blogoshpere? If you need to talk, I’m always here” and then when you sit down and chat, help her to delete those sappy posts as step one to recovery and help save the rest of the internet as well. Congratulations, you’ve killed two birds with one stone without seeming like an ass. Being nice isn’t your style? Comment someone’s blog and tell them that writing about their woes and desperation is, well, desperate. They’ll be angry and probably reply with some hate speech, but it will get them thinking about what they’re writing about. Let’s face it; the only people who will lovingly respond to posts like these would be the friends you should have talked to about it in the first place or some creepy fat old man who will follow your blog as closely as he follows his team in Left4Dead*.

* = I love Jay-Z, The Hangover, Lady Gaga, Hot Rod, Ray Bans, and Left4Dead. I did go blonde once, and I never will again. Just so we’re clear on all that (:

No worries, I (probably) don’t hate you,
Dacoda.